This week on Transsexualandthecity.com

To tell or not to tell… that is the question

There is a time that most, if not all transsexual women face and that is how to handle the guy who doesn’t know.   When you are sitting in a café and a handsome man comes over and strikes up a conversation perhaps commenting on the article you are reading, most women will look up, smile and chat—often times the transsexual woman will freeze.  Even though we see ourselves as average women there is always that lingering worry about they way we look or the way we sound. It may not be very prevalent in many, but it’s there.

If the guy does ask you out then the worry really begins.  Did he ask me out because he knows and likes it?  Does he have no clue?  Then the questions begin.  So you accept the date to feel it out.  See if he reveals any information to you.  In conversation if you notice he is slanderous of other groups, gays, alternate ethnic backgrounds, you may decide he is too volatile a guy for you to tell him your Trans status.  If he seems sweet and open and kind, you may then think he can handle it.

Every situation is different.  There is no rule book here.  We have to be aware of ourselves and our safety.  To date a man for an extended period of time without telling him often can lead to some feelings of betrayal on his part.  It can be a dangerous and slippery slope to manage.

As we all know most men consider Trans women to be complete freaks.  These are the Neanderthal thugs that conquer women to impress other men (which to me, is gay behavior).

I always seek out what I call the enlightened rogues.  The enlightened rogue is masculine, smart and artistic, with a deep mind that sees beyond the mere physical.

As far as reactions go I have had many.  One time, when I was about twenty I was dating a wonderfully sweet Italian boy next door type names Chris.  We met while we were both working in publishing.  We dated for six months, with sexual activity but no intercourse.  He was very respectful that way and it was a different time back then.  Girls used to make boys wait years in those days.  Chris and I were great together but I was too idealistic and in truth a big chicken to tell him. Finally I did tell him and it was awkward and painful and very hard to do.  He said he needed to think about it. I didn’t hear from him for three days and when I did, he left me.

There have been times when I have experienced violence and times when I have experienced compassion and love when telling a guy that I am Trans.   I told another guy after four months and we were together for ten years, even got engaged, unfortunately we never made it to the wedding.  We discussed it deeply once and never again, it was a non issue after that one time.

I personally am against disclosure.  What I mean by that is I don’t believe in telling my co-workers or my boyfriend’s friends and family. My medical history is nobody’s business. Plus once they know then that’s all that they can see you as.  You become merely the transsexual instead of the woman.

Nowadays I don’t date men who don’t know in advance.  If I meet a guy in a place where I know people I don’t date him.  If I meet a guy on my own and I agree to go out with him I tell him before anything happens.  To not tell someone the truth can make them feel victimized.

On the flip side of that dating men that know the truth in advance can also have a price.  Many are attracted but want to keep it on the DL. They have wives and girlfriends and want some TS action on the side, never allowing the relationship to become more.  They fear ridicule and scrutiny.  Part of choosing a mate for some men is getting their friends approval -- Again, men seeking male approval or the approval of others, denying his true self.

There are Trans women who may have moments where that get spooked in public and perhaps don’t pass so well.  There are Trans women who you could see taking a shower and still never know.

All of them search for the man who will tell them, baby, you don’t know how lovely you are.  A man who will hold her face, look at her with those juicy romantic loving eyes and see only his lady love. On the other hand sometimes once they find out they treat you differently. The potential for love becomes less possible to them. The change in perception is undetectable to most, but the Trans woman can see it.

It rarely pays off to date a man who doesn’t know.  Men are visual and seek sex.  Women are romantic and seek love (and sex).  If I tell a guy I like that doesn’t already know that I am a Trans woman, and he accepts it without holding back, I will never betray him and always honor him deeply.  I’m still waiting for it to happen.